'Lost Boys: The Tribe' is a suck-monkey!

Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008)

Director
P.J. Pesce

Writer
Hans Rodionoff

Cast
Tad Hilgenbrink, Angus Sutherland and Corey Feldman

I hold Lost Boys in very high regard even though it was helm by the same man who ruined the Batman franchise back in the late 90's, Joel Schumacher. It's one of those films I loved as a kid and it still holds up very well today. The performances were great, the cheesy 80's style gives it a fantastic nostalgic feel, the comedic elements worked well and the characters were compelling (c'mon, tweeners fighting vampires is awesome!)

I'll get this out of the way right now: my hopes weren't very high before watching this, but my hope raised a bit after during the opening scene. It was shot decent enough, the dialogue wasn't bad and the gore was adequate in amount and look. It just had the typical yet expected generic score and editing, but if a story is presented well enough it just doesn't matter.

After about 10-minutes after the opening scene it occurred to me that the film-makers gave up after that. The dialogue was so bad I was kind of squirming in my seat, not only that but the acting is atrocious! Did they just hire a bunch of young CW-rejects?

It's obvious that they are catering to the unmotivated and douchebagginess of The Real World audience. You know, the people who hump each other in hot tubs and have no other interest in discussing anything but their social lives? Yea, those people will probably love this shit. The vampire leader can't hold Keifer Sutherland's huge vampire mullet. He stumbles around with shades like a Jim Morrison wanna-be and mumbles in the same tone throughout. He's unmotivated... and that's like... cool 'n stuff. Instead of having a vampire group that look a little creepy or even intimidating, we have a bunch of douches who "punk'd" each other by impaling or disemboweling one another. Lame.

There are a few good things that are winks to fans of the original film. We get treated to a shirtless overweight guy with chains on his neck playing a saxophone. (Yea, some of you know who I'm talking about.) I also rather enjoyed Corey Feldman who seems to not have aged that much since the first film. He has a few good lines and is probably the only entertaining aspect of the dreck. It's too bad that they couldn't revolve story around him rather than some boring, cliched brother and sister.

On a similar not they are releasing a prequel to his film in the form of a comic book which will easily surpass the quality of this garbage.

Oh, and the main characters? Who cares? We get some sort of lame backstory and is pretty much the same set-up from the first film only not good. You have to love it when the brother is banging some vampire slut in a shower whom he met only minutes earlier before scolding his sister for going on a motorcycle ride with a guy he knew. I wonder if The Real World teaches that same lesson in double-standards to our current generation of bright young people.

Lost Boys: The Tribe is a rushed, shit-stained mess. It's mind-blowing to learn that Schumacher has been wanting to do a sequel for two decades, was turned down and WB decides to release this turd. As I said at the beginning, I wasn't looking for it to be great but maybe entertaining. This was an utter snore-fest. Unless you are a hardcore (I mean hardcore as in a having a tattoo of the "Two Coreys" on each ass cheek) Lost Boys fan, skip this. Now I need to watch Lost Boys again to hopefully swipe my memory clean from this childhood rape-age.

I'll add after the first part of the credits rolled a scene takes place that shows how they could've done a potentially cool sequel, but it feels like being flipped the bird by the creators. Thanks, jerk-offs.

2.0/10