[Rec] - "Scariest film I've ever seen... seriously."

[REC] (2007)

Directors
Jaume Balagueró
Paco Plaza

Writers
Jaume Balagueró
Luis Berdejo

Cast
Manuela Velasco, Javier Botet, Ferran Terraza and Pep Sais


I had this little Spanish horror indy film sitting on my computer for a few months now. There has been a lot of buzz surrounding it especially among the movie buff internet community. A movie so great that it's American remake, Quarantine, will be released only a year after the original making it possibly the fastest turn-around of any remake. This movie is simply called [REC].

It may seem like we're becoming bombarded with the POV-type films nowadays with Cloverfield, Diary of the Dead and now [REC]/Quarantine being released within one year but that's movie business. In no way should someone shun a certain type of film just for it's style because you never know if you'll miss out on greatness. That's why I'm glad I saw Cloverfield and why I'm really glad I saw [REC].

[REC] starts out like any segment on a news station. A woman, Angela, is doing a story about firefighters that work the night shift. She's chatting with all of the employees and everything's fine. There has been a report of a elderly woman acting aggressive and she rides along with them. Once they arrive, they find out the old woman likes the taste of firefighters and is really pissed off. Before they can escape the government seals and quarantines the building leaving the residents the fend for themselves.

Here is the trailer:





Now I've seen many, many movies. I've seen many horror films dating back to when I was a child. Never have I had a single film experience frighten me since the Tales from the Darkside episode of Inside the Closet when I was a little tyke.

There are many things that will seem cliche, especially if you're a zombie movie veteran, but you'll be so tense it won't even matter. The intensity level only escalates to the finale credits leaving it's viewer in unrelenting terror. Keep in mind that watched this on my little LCD monitor and two tiny speakers on my computer and it still almost made me disperse liquid in my pants.

Wow...

...that ending...

Without spoiling a whole lot someone must have found Goddess Bunny the Tap Dancer as down-right-fucking-creepy as I did. The entire ending is the exact spike of visceral, sheeringly disturbing horror that the film needed to lead up to. I'm not exaggerating one bit that this is the single most terrifying film I've EVER seen.

This film was just now released on DVD and Blu-ray in Spain. Unfortunately, they are different region codes from most DVD and Blu-ray players in the United States. This film is available on most torrent sites, but I can see this being on our video rental and store shelves around October in which the remake, Quarantine, will be released in theaters which is an instant buy for me.

Watch this film if you love to be terrified or think you've seen everything. Forget about the remake and watch the original beforehand.

9.0/10

Diary of the Dead - "Just.Stay.DEAD.Already!!!"

Diary of the Dead (2008)

Director
George A. Romero

Writer
George A.Romero

Cast
Joshua Close, Scott Wentworth, Michelle Morgan and Joel Dinicol

George Romero, the godfather of zombie films. Director of Night of the Living Dead a film that revolutionized horror films and introduced the flesh eating undead. Director of Dawn of the Dead (1978) a film many consider the greatest zombie movie ever made. Director of Day of the Dead (1985) which I consider an under-rated classic, just not on par with the previous films due to budget constraints.

Recently he directed and released Land of the Dead which is a severly mediocre entry to the Dead series. After the release there have been rumblings of Romero making yet another entry into the Dead series but without anyone screwing it up for him. No studios or producers, this new film will come straight from the man himself much like his original indy film Night of the Living Dead.

To say the least many of his fans, including me were excited. What I didn't know was that once I saw it, it turned out the be one of the biggest let-downs I've ever witnessed. Like a kid opening a present and hoping for the complete Voltron action figure only to get a knitted reindeer sweater two sizes too big.

But.... but this is George A. Romero.... what... happened?!

It's obvious from the start, the performances are atrocious. Just downright awful. So bad I was getting distracted. This wasn't the only thing I noticed right-off-the-bat, it's completely ham-fisted. It pours on the social commentary thick, so thick I thought I was drowning in it! *garble garble*

Do you like being treated like you're stupid? If so, you'll love this flick!

I get it, most relevant horror films do have social commentary. Hell, that's part of the reason Dawn is considered his best film because of the commentary on consumerism. That may or may not be obvious to people who watch Dawn, it was very subtle compared to Diary. Throughout the film there is commentary by the female protagonist, even without this narrative the message is still way too obvious, so obvious that the movie really doesn't have a plot at all.

Thoughts on digital media... zombie attack... thoughts on human nature... zombie attack (w/ cool kill)... televised media lying to us (!)... shameless MySpace ad... zombie attack... are we worth saving?... THE END!

There you go, that's the whole movie which include stupid character choices and stupid zombie choices (gotta love when a zombie walks right by the camera just to bite a chunk out of the dude directly in front of the camera!) I guess one positive thing came from this: there were some pretty unique ways they dispatched of zombies... but I was watching a friggin' Romero zombie film! I demand more!

I love the ongoing themes as well, the evil rednecks bust a nut over shooting zombies as the angelic women and no-nonsense black man caught in the middle just trying to survive. I'm in no way trying to be sexist or racist, I just found it funny that they're practically the same type of characters in everyone of his films. Just how Michael Bay portrays women as nothing but uber-hot and black men as loud and obnoxious.

Night of the Living Dead is probably my second favorite horror film of all-time. I love the hell out of it and because of this I look up to Romero although most of his films after the 80's have been shite. Much like Wes Craven and John Carpenter, they drag a string of poo behind them for a long time until they reveal that gem that might just mean they still have that talent they were known for back in the day For Craven it was New Nightmare and for Carpenter it was the Masters of Horror episode Cigarette Burns... but I'm still waiting on Romero. Yes, I thought Bruiser sucked.

Diary of the Dead is a bad movie. No plot, bad acting and even worse dialogue. The movie tries to be a whole hell of a lot deeper than what it actually is... "At first it was us vs. us now it's us vs. them. Little did we know them are us." Wh-wh-wh-WHAT?! If that ain't faux-intellect I don't know what is. That sentence doesn't even make any friggin' sense!

Although I consider it a pretty awful film especially for Romero it's still a zombie movie, and who doesn't love zombie movies? I wouldn't recommend it to anyone to watch, it's definitely something everyone can live without seeing. It makes me sort of sad seeing Romero supposedly putting his heart into this yet remakes to his older films are far superior to this (except for the Day of the Dead remake which might beat the living hell out of Diary for shittiest zombie movie of the year.) There is a Spanish zombie film that is available online called [REC] which is done in the same style as Diary and being considered one of the scariest films of the decade. A remake is in the works starring Deb from Dexter. Perhaps it might be a fun watch on cable just to watch some cool zombie kills, but this is one of the biggest disappointments of the decade.

2.0/10

Teeth - "Bites off a little more than it can chew..."

Teeth (2007)

Director
Mitchell Lichtenstein

Writer
Mitchell Lichtenstein

Cast
Jess Weixler, John Hensley, John Pais and Hale Appleman

Vagina dentata is Latin for toothed vagina. Various cultures have folk tales about women with toothed vaginas, frequently told as cautionary tales warning of the dangers of sex with strange women.
--Source: Wikipedia
(The source for everything in the Universe.)

Sounds pretty intriguing as a film, doesn't it? When I saw the trailer about six months ago it was so strange, creepy and disturbing that I knew I had to see it. The story of a young girl in High School advocating monogamy with extreme christian values who deals with temptations like every girl her age with a little twist. Here is the trailer I watched.



The trailer seemed like a concept spawned from the mind of David Cronenberg, a director not afraid of mixing sexuality with horror. What I got was something completely different from the trailer as the trailer made it seem much more subtle and set a completely different tone from what the actual movie.

Instead of creepy and disturbing I got Looney Tunes with severed penis props. The film itself seemed to have some sort of personality disorder, it wanted to be taken seriously the pacing was meant for an atmosphere of impending horror but the cartoonish gore and horrible acting made it seem like it wanted to be part funny B-movie just not very funny at all. The Mist took a B-movie concept and amped up the production and talent value and turned out to be a great horror film. Teeth attempted the exact opposite and it was an "epic fail." Interesting idea, terrible execution.

Much of the story didn't make any sense to me either. We're following a group of Dawn's friends through much of the begining of the film. They're all uptight christians who don't watch R-rated films, don't believe in evolution and are totally against any sort of sexual contact... yet all they talk about is sex. Much of the story and dialogue is so forced, much of these drawn out scenes are just boring since there is not much depth to anything as if it's trying to set an atmosphere but just comes off as sophmoric. Yes, it's an independant film but atleast put a little more work into the script. Not all of the problems come from the script, the music doesn't fit the tone of the movie from bass drums to generic score you would hear from Wild Hogs.

Teeth received mostly positive reviews to my surprise but I cannot recommend it. There are many other great movies that fit the tone the trailer set up such as Cronenberg's Videodrome and Shivers which would be considered "body horror" or "venereal horror." Check those out instead.

3.5/10